August 31, 2006
The 5 Ring Circus - or - How to Sell Out for $55 Mill
Ladies and Gentlemen, step right up to one of the biggest larks in Canada! You've read about it on blogs, alt news and msm! The one, the only, non-bearded B.C. Premier of the Gordon Campbell Show gave way to his hard stance on the Softwood Lumber Deal!
In steps the Flattest Man in the World, Steve Harper with $55 million to the Olympic Games!!!
Ringling have announced The Olympic Summer Games go back to Athens and STAY there, and the Winter Games will move and STAY PUT in Chamonix. Due to the increase in bribery, scams, broken people everywhere who suffer while their countries stage the event, all participating nations will now contribute to the building and upgrading of permanment facilities.
Gordo, why just $55 mill? If I were a sleezy scumbag like you I would have gone for a lot more. Geeze!
August 30, 2006
Famous Stupid People # 5, continued
Bazz of Oi ! Thump !
guessed 'hollywood actress declares herself a right wing bigot':
Jane Russell. i'm baffled, i'm puzzled, i'm shocked, i was prepared for this to go on for a while (hmm, bazz, did you sneak in and read my bookmarks, or did you hit a celebrity web site....aha, maybe a google thing!!!!).
HAPPY BLOGIVESSARY, KALAMALKA RAINBOW
August 29, 2006
Gordscilla, Queen of the Desert
Imagine! Putting retired Brigadier General and Minister of Defence, Gordon O'Connor in ordinary cotton/poly camoflauge for his trip to visit troops in Afghanistan!!!!!
NO NO NO!!! Gordy wants to entertain the troops a la Priscilla. Steve-Joe gave the suggestion, Gordscilla went as bananas as Carman Miranda's headress, but then they outfitted him in baggy desert camo! No wonder he looked so sour coming off the plane....'ask nothing, tell nothing' has gone too far and Canaduh's military has no sense of fashion whatsoever! This is a disgrace and will keep the Harper Cabinet out of the 'Best Fashion Awards' for certain.
Faux pas after faux pas. If we're going to fight we may as well do it in chic.
August 28, 2006
What the Hell is Friendly Fire???
Seems some Canuks in Afghanistan got a bit carried away. Paranoia? Orders from the top? Drugs? Traumatic affect? All the above?
AND WHAT THE HELL IS FRIENDLY FIRE??????? 'Here, you're my friend, bang!' ?. 'Just thought I'd send you to a better place', 'I hear you haven't been feeling well, POW!', 'What are buddies for, KAPOW!', 'Just kidding, oops, too late heh heh', 'Remember the time we got drunk and fell down, wasn't that fun, PING!'.
Friendly fire is the lamest term I ever heard.
If Only They Were Normal - #9 - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
If he were normal:
"These war pigs suck ass. The dark lizards won't reign anymore, I'll play until every last weapon is sent back to hell and the doomsday clock is set to one minute to peace. I'm gonna move the groove of the Mid-East jam up a notch and make it a battle of the bands. The muscle of iron will compete against the unplugged and the people will decide. The people, man, nothin' more important than the pepes. Winner gets to shit on the Whitehouse steps. Justice for all! Headbanging for peace, man, headbanging for peace!"
August 26, 2006
Con Solution To Poverty
While Canada's surplus is up, poverty levels are rising, which the National Council on Welfare calls 'morally disgraceful'.
The Con solution?
Harper: Hello rich child. Now, remember to pray for the needy while you're eating.
August 25, 2006
Mwa Ha Ha
How To Screw Some Evangelist Maaggots Right in the Wallet. He's layed out a step by step guide to securing freebies from 'Focus on Family', items that are intended for auction :). Just do it!
Stupid Famous People #5
Congrats to BCWaterboy of The Kalamalka Rainbow for guessing Michael Chertoff (see sidebar for a blurb on The Kalamalka).
RCMP: Yes Sir?
Harper: First there's a brown-skinned, Canadian-born man wearing a turban to our left of the center guy.
RCMP: Yes Sir?
Harper: Fire him. Second thing.
RCMP: Yes Sir?
Harper: Does horse meat taste good?
August 24, 2006
Mike Harris Ipper-try-to-wash-your-hands
Aboriginal lawyers cited Harris as lying 17 times about a meeting that took place hours before the shooting.
Says Harris, "Look. I'm just a guy like anyone else. Just because I say 'fuck' alot and don't like injuns or their stupid protests and claims doesn't mean I have influence over a bunch of cops. What's the big deal over sharing my single malt with The Men In Black, b.s.'ing around and saying I want a scalp or two? Shit, everyone takes it so seriously when I say stuff like, 'Or you'll loose your job and end up in cement boots'. It's a joke, get it? This whole thing has just been sensationalized by redskins, sympathizers and the left. They wouldn't know a joke if they were tazered by one. I'll be cleared, I'm not worried. The same people who make a lot about this probably think Caledonia Wakeup Callis some KKK organization. Get on with life and let Upper Canada rule. Hey, pass the Glen Fiddich!, and make it neat or you're fired!"
August 22, 2006
Hockey Trading - Oilers Go For Power Play
An anonymous Edmonton Oiler said, "Man did they get this one wrong! All we were trying to do was get the new SA-18 hockey stick to our farm team so they'd have the right equipment to play with. Seems we've drawn on all the good Russian, Slavic and Scandinavian players, so we've set up a deal with the Tigers to help train them and draw from their pool. Ya gotta have the right equipment for training, eh?'.
The Tamil Tigers are quite the team by all reports...their reputation supercedes the Jamaican Bobsledding Team, and the Oilers should be continuous Stanley Cup champions with their new farm league of players.
U.S. agents had no comments at this time.
August 21, 2006
Blog Around the Clock...Circadian Rhythms
I went to physio today and she asked me how I was sleeping. I told her not well and that my circadian clock must be off (thought i was a bigshot saying that). She asked me my habits before bedtime and i told her i was on the computer a few hours before hitting the hay.
The phsyio said, nuh-uh, i have to get off the puter an hour before bedtime and wind down with a book (like, real paper in my hands???). Apparently my circadian rhythm is off because the computer screen throws off too much emr's from the screen, keeping my brain active for too long. So, I'm willing to try this novel idea of a book read before winkin' blinkin' and nod. Pardon the pun. No don't, I did it on purpose.
I started learning about circadian rythm from Blog Around the Clock. It's way over my head, being a right hemisphered gal and the left hemi well atrophied. But I do manage to pick up the occassional thing there, and remember that REM and all that is tied in to circadian.
So, goodnight, I don't have time to cruise around all the sites tonight like I usually do. This may reduce the luggage under my eyes to mere bags.
p.s., check out alison's recent rant at Gordo at Creekside. oops, past my cut off time!!!
Famous Stupid People #4
WE HAVE A WINNER!!! BCWaterboy of The Kalamalka Rainbow guess MICHAEL CHERTOFF. Please read Waterboy's bllurb on the sidebar and drop by his site.
Congrats to Annamarie at Verbena-19 for guessing #3, Laureen Harper
August 20, 2006
If Only They Were Normal - #8 - Tony Blair
If he were normal:
"I've traded in the Flying V for an old Martin and I'm gearing up for the Mid-East Jam session. The Boss's new CD of Pete Seger songs has inspired me to toss the Marshalls, go unplugged and get some Baez tab. I think 'Joe Hill' would be good for the line up. It would add an element of labour strife to war issues and how the common person just isn't getting anywhere. I gave Charles and Camilla a ring, they're into singing backup and Charlie wants to sit in circle and talk about sustainability. I'm putting forth a bill to the House to have my wages reduced to that of a hod carrier and have been hanging around Leister Square getting my chops up on Saturday night busking. The inequities, the class system, none of it makes sense. Oh, and we're telling the Orangemen to shove it and encouraging Ulster to just be Celtic. I'll take the cross off my neck as a symbolic gesture and toss it in the Thames when all our troops are withdrawn from everywhere. If people must have churches they can be on their own, no corporate religion, just simple fellowship with no ties. Bush and his chums can take a long walk off a short pier.'
Osanta Bin Laden meets Harper in North
Says Steve-Joe, 'Any friend of President Bush's is a friend of mine. If Osanta wants to put bombs in his Christmas presents for children , so be it. That will give us freer reign to detain brown-skinned and Canadian-born people, wiretap, and invest in arms. My children's stock portfolios have grown by leaps and bounds since Boreen and I got them in on the Bush-plan. They'll be contributing heavily to Con Campaign Coffers.
Asked if he now understood Six Nation's sovereignty issues, Steve said, 'They still don't get it. If they'd arm themselves and contribute to the Fear Factory they could be reaping it in like the rest of us. Their refusal is just welfare attitude and they're no better then the left-wing peace loving bums.'.
O.K., Steve, we'll get right up to the North Pole and pick off penguins while we're waiting for Mid-Eastener, desert dwelling, sun soaking, heat and sand loving terrorists to cross the artic.
And Osanta, this year I'd like an Uzi in my stocking.
August 19, 2006
NO!!!! Is Mainsteam Media FINALLY Getting It???
Natch the press will now be accused of 'going liberal' by the CONdemnationists. Look out, Steve-Joe, cause red, white, black and yellow will be standing tall on this one!!!
August 18, 2006
Willy Wonka Wannabe???
August 17, 2006
Famous Stupid People #3
This one's female. Please read the rules on the sidebar. One guess per day, one question per day.
Congrats to the 'official' ANON for guessing Idi Amin in #2. This anon is the only one who's allowed to be anon....if that makes any sense. If you want to be anonymous or don't have a site, please choose 'other' and make a name up to play the game.
Ottawa's AIDS/HIV Annoucement Leaked
"Our Government will be spending 1 million dollars to give away lapel ribbons on a cross. The best prevention and cure for AIDS/HIV is the Lord Jesus, King of Kings. A further 23 million dollars will go to New Christian churches to do repairs and expansions for all the converts we expect. All money is being redirected from prior Kelowna Accord budgeting. We feel the indigenous problem can also be solved by converting those heathens to worshipping the Lord. The babe in swaddlings should also take care of Vancouver's glut of drug addicts. Healthy prayer to The Lord Gawd Almighty and his immaculately conceived son will do away with all the ills in this country. My wife, Boreen , helped me reach this decision as I struggled for an answer. She said, "Stephen, The Lord and our cat Yahwah will give help you decide". Sure enough, Yahwah said, "Hisssssssssssss" and I knew it meant 'His' way. Thank you, thank you, oh, some kleenex please. Amen."
Stupid Famous Person #2 WINNER!!
that means austin's blurb comes down and i post no write up on anon's non-site...hmmmm.
anon, email me firstname.lastname@example.org with your address and i'll send you something stupid :)
August 16, 2006
Three "Planets Unto Themsleves" Discovered
Three heavenly bodies are up for presentation as a draft before the International Astronomical Union, who decided 'what is or is not a planet'.
While the public is being told the names of the celestial orbs are Gabrielle, Xena and Charon, Whitehouse sources leaked that the official submissions are Condi, Bush-X and Dick. It is speculated that the space shuttle may try reach Planet Dick by 2012.
August 15, 2006
If Only They Were Normal - 7- Condi Rice
If she were normal:
"Oppression is everywhere and my people, the Afro-Americans, need to rise up not only for themselves but people the world over like the Lebanese. Israel went way over the top. The mother-fuckers in the White House should be encouraging culture, not forcing their beliefs on others. I'm going to do my best to talk George into chilling. Mr. Uptight Egobutt has a few lessons to learn about respect. If I can get him to the jam session with Ehud and Hassam maybe he'll wiggle his red-neck ass to some tunes and come undone. None of this line-dancing crap, I mean he's gotta really shake his booty to learn what freedom feels like. Repressed, that's what he is, and the repressed oppress, that's what I'm talkin' about, that's what I'm sayin'. I'll say it again, the repressed oppress. And mother-fucker George, you can damn well learn to respect women cuz Angela Merkel and me aren't about to take your filthy little paws on our backs. Shout it, sisters!"
(DON'T FORGET THE 'STUPID FAMOUS PEOPLE #2 CONTEST TWO POSTS DOWN)
August 14, 2006
This is a Test...
Update on Six Nationsby Hazel Hill
Are you prepared to help...this is a test:
NOTICE TO OUR SISTERS, BROTHERS, FRIENDS & ALLIES - FINANCES URGENTLY NEEDED: We are here to stay at Kanenstaton, our repossessed land. The cold weather and winter are coming and we are staying here. We are building an "Embassy/Information Center". We need funds to carry on for: legal expenses; to set up an office with phone and internet line, photocopier and computer. We need food; gas; generator fuel; materials for winterizing ten houses (roofing, dry wall, plumbing, electricial, siding, windows, doors, flooring, paint, furnaces, kitchen/laundry/bathroom appliances and materials); radios for communication; wood for the fire; gas and upkeep of our patrol vehicles; and winter clothes.
We invite you to come help us build our community. Call 905-517-7006; 519-445-0719; 905-765-9316.
Nia:wen. Send checks to Janie Jamieson, RR#6, Hagersville (Ontario, Canada) N0A 1H0; or deposit directly into Bank of Montreal account: transit #3752 Account #3011-285. Contact Hazel at email@example.com
Please visit MNN for updates.
Famous Stupid People #2
Congrats to Austin of Wild Dog Road for the winning answer to # 1, Immelda Marcos.
IF Only They Were Normal - 6 - Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah
Hezbollah Leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah has a real love for Jews (ya right).
If he were normal:
"I was thinking about my brother Ehud's suggestion of jamming together. I had to dig through a lot of crap to find my old axe, but I've been working on some Garcia licks and think I can contribute somwhat decently. I hope The Big E doesn't mind a bit of intonation, the neck on this old beaut needs adjustment. I'm really looking forward to the ceasefire so we can make some music together, you know, the old bit about music being the universal language is so true. I said I'd bring the hookah if he brought the herb and the dude suggested he might have some B.C. bud. Far fuckin' out! Hee'ya, can't wait to shake the desert with some Sugaree and wake up the DeadHeads".
August 12, 2006
CONTEST: FAMOUS STUPID PEOPLE
Good questions are ones like 'is he a politician?' 'is she in the arts" 'is he still living" 'does she live in europe'...pinpointing dates, geography etc. help. I'll throw in the odd esoteric clue.
THE FIRST STUPID PERSON IS A FEMALE.
*I've liberated this idea from Dianne's Stuff 'famous dead people' at her site. She's done a great job with things but I never won on my three attempts and just got frustrated , so thought I may as well create my own.
OH, the famous stupid person will never be Bush because he's too easy a guess. START THOSE QUESTIONS!!!!!!!
If Only They Were Normal -5 - Ehud Olmert
But what if he were normal?
"Barry Plunker and I were sitting around sipping yerbamati the other day. We got to thinking, 'wouldn't it be rad if Rainbow Gatherings were held in areas of conflict?' Imagine all the vibes coming off the hacky-sacking and drumming. We could fly hippie youth in from around the world and just OM our way to peace. This weapons bit sucks. Let's embrace spirituality and realize we're all one blood. You know, those Arab hookahs were probably intended to keep the peace. I'll give Hassan a call right now, I think he's ready to drop the religious b.s. too and start singing some John Lennon with me. I hear he plays a wicked lead mandolin and hey, I'm kinda rusty but I used to play a mean recorder. Like, all I am saying is give peace a chance".
August 11, 2006
Georgia Straight Liberation - Marketing the Wars
BTW, if you haven't been to Queerty lately, they linked to a report on the World Pride Celebration in Jerusalem being a dissapointment in turnout because of the war. I'm sure Bush and Harper were smiling snidley.
I'm also linking Blog Around the Clock tonight. Cortunix is a science blogger of different stripes. There's some pretty off-beat stuff on his site and his humour is, er, well....off-beat. ok, i admit, i don't understand a lot of the stuff but can digest some. it's those 'some' that are truly fascinating. If i'd ever had a science teacher like cortunix i may have taken a genuine interest in the subject way back when. now i have to grapple with an atrophied left hemisphere to make half sense of metric conversion.
August 10, 2006
A Whole New Way to Pack for Vacation
Harry Balls says, "It shouldn't take long and we'll have the new packaging. That means our shoppers can safely bring their lube aboard, espcially if they are British-born but Pakistani-looking randy youth. The Mile High Club is still a popular pastime on overseas flights."
Given that flight is involved, I'm surprised Astro-glide didn't come up with the gimmick first. Ya gotta hand it to those folks at Johnson & Johnson!!!
Police Probe Uncovers British-born Terrorists
The Bobbies always get their teddies. Seen here as captured by a U.K. Scotland Yard Bobby, Mr. Bean has been arrested as the ring leader of over 21 suspected British Comic terrorists, involved in a plot to place nitrous oxide in pet shampoo bottles and make the U.S. laugh to death.
The uber-clandestine plot had the likes of ring-leader Bean plus other notables like Joanna Lumley and the cast of Monty Python ready to place laughing gas bombs on American aircraft headed for the U.S. and explode above densley populated centers. The result, according to an interrogated John Cleese, would open Yankee eyes to the ridiculous and escalating fear mongering being used as an excuse for Western Nations to go in and finish off the Middle East, leaving a victorious Israeli government to easily negotiate with.
The story doesn't end there. In the U.S. the CIA and FBI have jailed George Carlin and Ellen DeGeneres, and in Canada CSIS and the RCMP have reportedly arrested Rick Mercer and Mary Walsh. All were attempting to replicate "The Bean Stalk Plan" and send planes to the UK, Canada, and other Gr8 member nations. The plot also involved stalking people on the street to disengage their fright of brown-skinnned people.
When Mr. Bean was asked about the police probe, he produced a pair of latex gloves and muttered something inaudable. With all terrorists now under arrest, the world can resume fight or flight response. No wait, i didn't mean flight. Nothing to do with flights. I have never even seen a plane. If you asked me what one was I'd have to look it up in the dictionary.
Paul McCartney Bumming Around with Stephen Harper
Paul McCartney and Weather Mills have hired Prince Charles and Lady Di's divorce lawyers. Repliable sources say Weather is giving Paul the boot because of his romance with Canada's Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
August 09, 2006
Caledonia - Judge Baby-Face Marshall
Clan Mother Kahentinetha Horn has the best to say about it. Marshall is in conflict of interest as he and his wife own land on the disputed Haldiman Tract. So Harper, why aren't you doing anything about this conflict of interest? Oh, that's right
, you're hoping your cronygets more book sales out of the deal. And by-gosh, The Reform Party of B.C. loves Marshall !!! CHING CHING, rack up those dollars! Forget that Marshall's whining over Rule of Law about defied court orders, get him out of kindergym and let him know Canadian Rule of Law gives him no juristiction whatsoever on Native Rights. It's between the Queen and the Rotino’shon:ni people, Baby, so Michaelle Jean, start doing what you're supposed to be doing, put down your own tinker-toys and answer to the Women Title Holders like the Queen has told you to.
Baby-face Marshall has dialed 1-800-WaaWaaWaa a couple of times over his orders not being followed by Six Nations, and this time he ran out of the courtroom in a judicial snit. Forget those donations to Mid-East causes, we have a Canadian in our midst who needs the collection plate full for a new bib, diapers and flash-cards on Canadian Law. Oh, and his life-saver? Good thing he keeps those water-wings on, Ontario's heat-wave is nothing compared to the hot water he'll be swimming in.
When contacted about Ontario's decision to appeal, Judge Marshall said, "Gaa gaa, goo goo".
(an email and site guide to letter writing .)
August 08, 2006
Clan Mothers Sing Back
"You Hit the Road Judge" [Ontario's David Marshall] sing Women title Holders
Clan Mother Maria von Furtrap led the Women Title Holders in a stellar performace of "You hit the Road, Judge" with their Cease and Desist Order. Using her umbrella as a choir baton, Maria and the 'Rule of Law Gospel Truth Choir' hit notes so high that windows and water glasses shattered at the court house where Judge David 'Swampwater' Marshall was set to issue his blind version of law. It's not known at this time where 'Old Swampy' and Caledonia Mayor Marie Trainer-wheels are headed on their road to salvation, but we wish them luck and 'Gawd Speed'. Psssst, Trainer-wheels is rumoured to have hidden her gold mayor medals under the steps of the Caledonia WAKEUP CALL office.
Now for the Women Title Holders' Chorus
So you Hit the road, Judge - Don't'ya come back no more - You ain't got no jurisdiction - We don't wanna see ya no more, no more, no more ... - so take yer gown, Marie Trainor and her medals and go ...
August 07, 2006
BP Oil Closes Largest NA Pipeline
Tell us what you think at this real genuine poll, worthy of CTV or the Globe and Mail.
August 06, 2006
Justice Really Is Blind
Justice David Marshall of the Ontario Supreme Court will reading his final orders to Six Nations over the Douglas Land dispute on Tuesday. In Marshalls eyes Six Nations are in contempt of court for disobeying his previous orders. The Clan Mothers will be filing their own Cease and Desist order(don't forget to send your letter in). Let's see how Marshall likes having his game of "Blind Man's Buff" thrown in his face. I doubt Marshall will ever come around to the fact that Six Nations is sovereign, let's listen to him sing with his own band...
Marshall - Hit it boys!
Give the road back, don't gimme your flack
no more no more no more no more
Give the road back, even though it is yours.
Clan Mothers Clan Mothers don't ya treat me so mean
You're the meanest Clan Mammas I ever seen.
I guess if you said so
I'd have to pack my gown and go!
Now MaGuinty oh MaGuinty don't ya treat me this way
I'm alone with Clan Mammas on Tuesday
They know I got no balls
My juristiction ain't so tall
Well I guess if you say so
I'll have to pack my gown and go
August 05, 2006
Paliament Hill is Alive, With the Sound of Music (ah ha ha ha ha)
Somehow the timing of the remaining von Trapp children performing at Stratford seems 'Oh So Right". What better way to gently remind us of the horrors of war then The Sound of Music? The polls are against you, Steve, but Harper presses along with his 'principles not polls'" attitude. Well at last there is a sound of music coming, finally, from the opposition.
While the Bloc was successful getting together a meeting of the standing foreign affairs committee, they report dissapointment at the outcome. However, in stepped Jack Layton demanding a recall of parliament over government's 'failure to call for immediate ceasfire in Mideast. The Liberals responded the next day, saying, "Prime Minister Stephen Harper seems increasingly at odds with the global community and with our national character.
It looks like Layton is the one with the balls to actually call non-confidence. Looking at events, he may just be the one to send the cons back to Ze Fatherland. Climb every mountain, Jack, and ford every stream because the NDP will probably pick up another couple of seats in what this time will be a little more then a mere Layton 'power play'. And Bloc, we want to hear you really resound with "My Favorite Things" because you'll be in demand by everyone and the offers will be galore (GASP!!!, or it that Gaspe?). Liberals, hit those notes right on with "We are 60 going on 12" and , "Doh! A deer, a FEMALE dear" as you sort your shit out, and Tories, be in shape to chant "So Long, Farewell".
Now, where did I put my lyrics to Eidelweiss...
The Starship Private Enterprise
Harper - Scotty, just give the dilithium crystals to Doc and have him make me a cocktail. Spock, get to the bridge NOW, I need another emotionless being to support my choices. Sulu and Ohura, you're fired, you're of colour. OH alright Ohura, go be assistant to Michaele Jean. Sulu just pick up your internment camp cheque and leave me alone. Chekov, you're gone at the next space outport you dirty commie! Damn, I've got Klingons on my Uranus....Doc, get to the bridge fast! Boreen, stop calling me about the kids whle I'm at work."
Thanks to Annamarie at Verbena-19 for the news link.
August 04, 2006
Bush...'Outed In Israel'
From Queerty, WorldPride 2006: WorldPride 2006 kicks off this weekend in Jerusalem.
Let's turn things around:
President George Bush outed at the Worldpride event held in Israel. Said a smiling George, "What better way to feel liberated then outing in Israel? My brothers and sisters here know too well about the gay persecution that took place during the holocaust, and the atrocities of war. I opted to wear this uni as a statement about all the twinks getting killed or having to kill. They shouldn't be placed in that position. This war is just Oh So Wrong! Olmert and his neo-con hawks represent gay-bashers to the max. If the Tora and Bible were interpreted differently you'd see there's a place for us in all religion. But no, they choose to go with modern, warped perspective. When I get back I'll be announcing programs to beef up AIDS and HIV research and care, plus enforce severe penalties for LGBT discrimination. I've appointed Mary
Cheney to head things up which will also allow her to let go of having to echo that corrupt Dick on too many things. I'll also fire Liz Cheney. Peace, out!"
August 03, 2006
Fidel Castro...Bush Like a Waiting Vulture
Why is it the U.S. is so insecure about half-democracy? Cuba has it's problems like any other nation, and dissidents stand to be jailed or killed....but that happens in the States too. Cuba is certainly a strategic military position, the U.S. stronghold on keeping Gitmo isn't for detainees alone. So here sits a gem of an isle in the Carribean, under supposed communist rule (for one, it's social democracy, but let's face it, it's dictatorship), who's people have been forced to be forever ingenious in a wild political world that saw it's main supporter, the U.S.S.R. go down and the U.S. place embargoes to try and starve her out. Threat is a strange stranglehold and the more competitive one is, the more threats to one's being. Why a person or nation becomes so competitive in the first place is beyond me save for observing the need to proove oneself. That says a myriad in it's own.
If Cuba were placed in proportion to it's real threat to the United States , she would weigh in at about the size of a mouse, but then elephants purportedly scream at the sight of tiny creatures. Castro only figured out America's achilles, that's all, while Canada has always enjoyed good relations with this Spanish speaking nation (it's indigenous people having been wiped out enough that there are no full bloods left).
It remains to be seen how Mr. Harper will handle our friend Cuba with his ears full of Bush-shit.
When we were there five years ago the first thing that struck me besides Havana crumbling, was how patriarchally she is ruled....the posters, billboards and art all reflecting the famous men who fought to win the revolution with only the occasional whisper of Tanya, and one museum on the southern end dedicated to the women who hid, nursed, and fed these men, putting their own lives on the line for the cause. Otherwise the scenery is incredible, the people welcoming, and the Unesco saved architecture awesome. The 40's and 50's cars still running with cardboard and tinfoil hoses or tractor engines socked in make it feel like yesteryear, and the donkey driven taxis that are tourist attractions in Havana are guenuine transport in small towns and villages.
We were lucky enough that people at the Casa Paticulars (bed and breakfast) we stayed in opened up to us somewhat, politically; they were mostly middle aged and older ones who remembered the horrors of the Batista Regime. Despite long line ups for locals with their vouchers for goods at stores who's shelves were often 3/4 empty because of Clinton's embargo, the loyalty remained with the attititude being, "There are other nations far worse off then us". We would always join in singing when 'Hasta Siempe' was played (a beautiful song dedicated to Che Guevera) for we were there to travel and take in the culture, not to judge it's political system.
Most of the youth we spoke with were restless and somewhat reckless with their speech (we were warned by many that to even shout out 'I love Fidel' on the streets could get you arrested), complaining that the revolution had gotten them nowhere, they had nothing. I replied to a couple of cocky ones , "When you were ten years old you had a lot, then the embargo came so now you want everything back right now. You better be careful what you are asking for because if you think that becoming part of the United States will make you wealthy you can forget it...they are sitting over you like a vulture and you will be nothing more then another Puerto Rico".
Castro had decided long ago that his brother Raoul should take over when he was gone, but the general concensus was to vote for someone else...people didn't like that Raoul came from the military. I can't email, write or phone our friends there to ask how they are feeling right now as it would be risky for them to reply. I can send soap, toothpaste and other items that are in need.
Despite the poverty everyone had a home. Education was and still is free and the store clerk or taxi driver is probably higher educated than most North Americans. I spoke with the player of the tres, a Cuban guitar of unique sound requiring complex adeptness. who was a doctor who decided to take a four year leave to persue his musical passion. His wage would not have differed much and he was glad to have the choice. I had brought some guitar strings and wind reeds along as gifts for musicians, they were well appreciated.
Toursim was rapidly becoming Cuba's number one industry then, we never made it to any resorts for our interests took us by train (forget going first class, we tried it once and sorely missed the joking and commaraderie with locals that went on on the regular lines) to the sites of our interest. The fastest way to a Cubans heart...swig out of his bottle of rum with him and he'll share story after story. Most of the hotels were foreign owned, and except for Havana I would recommend Casa Paticulars.
Every land you visit has it's own heart and pulse. Cuba's is slow and gentle and she holds you in the palm of her hand, unlike the fiery energy of Madame Pele on the Big Island of Hawaii who slowly grips you, finger by finger, until you are clenched in her fist, or the skipping pulse of Ulster that rolls you like a ball bearing on an ever-tilted hand. There is no 'macho' in Cuba, rather a gentleness prevails, and curiosity is rampant. If I had the money I would return again and again, but this was a special 25th anniversary present to ourselves and we bought airmile points at a huge discount from our daughter's boss to be able to afford the flight.
Fidel's future is unknown but the press is making it seem like he's dead already. The media loves to prepare obits of the famous years in advance so they can hit the public with details of a person's life in the ten seconds that seems to be the norm. It would be a shame to see this country somehow fall prey to the talons of the vulture; no matter what, it's just another country with it's own lies and it's system is not hurting anyone anymore then half-democracy. I suppose besides the military aspects, too many of the wealthy ruling U.S. families are still embittered that they lost one of their corrupt playgrounds.
To see some of the works of our good friend and Cuban artist Pavel Lominchar Quintana, please go to
Pavel.. If you are interested in his work and the email bounces back please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I can put you in touch with him via another address. Pavel is a master and Cuban artwork is inexpensive. Him and his wife now have a baby to support.
If you held with this piece, thank you very much.
August 02, 2006
If Only They Were Normal, 4 - Ann Coulter
If she were normal:
"Thank you. You're a lovely audience, I truly love you as we work together to save Mother Earth. I was going to do my rendition of 'Smelly Cat', but given the state of the world I feel a Bob Dylan tune would be more appropriate. What's that, huh, ya please, sing along, this is a candle light vigil for peace after all. When we're done with "Blowin' In The Wind' I'd like you to all rise, yell "Fuck you, Bush!' then let's call on Gaia to send him white light'. Anon, this one's for you."
If Only They Were Normal, 3 - Rona Ambrose
If Rona were normal, we might hear something like this:
"Kyoto? Rad. Those bogus big guys are in for it. Not going with Kyoto is like, so 1950 or something. My Smart car is a step forward for me and I'm driving out to the Clayquot protest in it. No way these dudes can get away with murder anymore. I'm Jonesing to get on everyones ass and clean this country up".
Internet Users Do Fewer Household Chores
I think my livingroom totally debunks this theory.
August 01, 2006
If Only They Were Normal, 2 - Monte Solberg
And how's Monte handling the returning Canadian citizens from Lebanon? And we really believe the questioning isn't intensive interrogation? It says those who have spouses, partners and families will be processed first...or do they mean ones with money???
If Monte were normal, this may take place instead:
"Like, we smoked a few bowls together and talked about the difficulties of being over there and having to get rescued and stuff. I played 'Buffalo Soldier' for them to give them strength and we all sang "No Woman No Cry' and wept. It was pretty awesome and some gave me some beads for my dreads. I think I'm going to just open the doors, this border stuff is really a bitch and so 'system', man".
(for Bruce at Canuk Attitude)
Aboriginal Land Reclamation, "First we'll take Manhatten..."
The Six Nations Clan Mothers are on a roll....take a gander at New York, and at The Haldiman Tract. I can just see AnnaMarie at Verbena 19 jumping for joy!
Both Dolton 'Squinty' MacGuinty and Steve Joe Harper probably have the armed forces on standby still, as well the U.S. is no doubt stepping up it's campaign to push AFT onto reserve land. The Minute Men are probably seething because, let's face it, these women are just not living up to conquered, co-opted standards. Why, how dare they!
If you love the work these women are doing, be sure to check out and subscribe to MNN, the support is needed and appreciated.
If Only They Were Normal
So I've embarked on transforming 'the suits'. Here's some comments that might ensue from MacKay if he were just kinda, ya know, normal:
"Dudes, like we don't support any war. As soon as Lebanon was being fired on we chartered small planes from Turkey and got them permission to land in parts of Lebanon where there was no fireworks extravaganzas, ya know. Mark Emery's got the contract to send a bunch of herb to the Mid-East, that should chill things. Sweet, I'm going swimming".
(suggestions of names to 'normalize' would be appreciated)