Harper Valley

Fashion and technology may look different, but the minds of the oligarchy remains the same.

We've discovered that, like Scottish-decent William Lyon MacKenzie King talking to his dead mother and dog, Stephen Joseph Harper speaks with Scottish-born John A. Macdonald(the father of CONfederacy), and his children's hampster, Alistaire.

We asked psychic medium, Clarie Voyante, to tap into a conversation:

John: Aye, Stephen, at least ya spell yer name the right farkin' Scottish way.

Stephen: Thanks Sir, as you know Harper is a Scottish surname. My parents were well aware of the Scottish explorers who discovered this land and it's savage inhabitants.

John: Aye, and what's with that my lad, I thought they'd be eradicated by now.

Stephen: We're trying, Sir, but they have an uncanny knack for survival and there's all the Trudeau era liberal bleedhearts still living.

John: Ach noo, take me word, just go in with cannons and muskets and wipe them out!

Stephen: Ah, Sir, we have tanks and missiles now. We're in position.

John: Atta good lad. Treat them like the heeland coos they are. Now it's about this farkin' Yankee alignment. No farkin' good, Stephie, what are ya oop too? I worked long and farkin' hard to keep us serperate from the Yanks.

Stephen: Don't worry, Sir, today on this very Canada Day we have implemented a plan of action where we hook them in more, thinking we're their number one ally and sucker. Then, when they're least expecting it we'll drop the dollar to 5 cents. That, coupled with no gun regulations and no abortions, and American's will move here by the droves. We'll truly be "The Great White North'. OH, we'll be working on instating capital punishment. With the majority of upper class Americans having summer homes here, we'll force them into dual citizenship. They'll love me better than Bush because I'm younger, more handsome, and have a more wholesome appeal. Then we let the dollar soar and buy America from the Chinese.

John: Ach, by the gloamin', yer one right smart laddy-buck, Stephie!

Stephen: Thank you, Sir. It just proves, I'm no puppet, I'm a marionette.

John: OO, that's good Stephie. And who will you have as your henchmen?

Stephen: Fat Bastard, John Allan Cameron, Burton Cummings. We're working on re-programming Ashley MacIsaac to appeal to the youth.

John: Heh heh, us Scots, we're a fiesty and smart lot. Nevermind the limeys conquered us, we can conquer other lands. Well Stephie, yer livin' oop to yer family crest, 'Pleasant and Brave'.

Stephen: Thank you, Sir.

John: Now if you'll excuse me I have to have a farkin' word or two with Peter MacKay. Keep up the good work and Happy MacKanada Day!

Hampster: Stephen, adjust your sporan.